As friends of people and as people who have friends, we all understand the unspoken, implied obligation to assist friends in difficult times. Everybody, at one time or another, has had a friend come to them seeking advice and counsel on some issue. Likewise, many of us have gone to our friends in the past for their advice on our various debacles. Indeed, most people would jump at the chance to be an adviser to a close friend; we become proud that our friends trust us enough to come to us with their problems seeking resolve. It gives us a chance to show off and bestow the wisdom gained through our own personal experiences. Even if the topic is beyond our mental or experiential reach, we can still sympathize and provide generic, friendly support.
However, there is a point at which the friendly duty of being the sympathetic comrade turns into one of a counselor or therapist; where it starts feeling like more work than a friend should have to do. Thankfully, most of my friends, in my adult years, do not do this to me. They are very mindful of the limitations that are upon us as friends and they respect those limits and boundaries. There are those few people however, bless their hearts, that have no idea what the boundaries are, much less when they've crossed them.
This may all seem like trivial, philosophical nonsense, but I have had some past friendships dissolve over these sorts of issues. Everyone has been around the person that loves to complain (and not the good, funny sort of complaining of the artful, comedic bitch). They are annoying, their friendship makes us itch and we don't like to be around them. Further, even though we may care about the person very much, their constant battle with their problems starts to deteriorate the foundational platonic bond.
It is at this point I feel it necessary and rightful to tell your friends they've crossed the line. To be clear, this should not be because you feel you've earned a right to yell at them, or that they had it coming because they were abusing your friendly graces. Rather, it should be stated strictly as a way to save the friendship from further deterioration. You're putting them on notice that their behavior is starting to cross a line that could have detrimental effects on the friendly dynamic.
The above description should be saved for extreme circumstances. Obviously there are the stock categories of friendship drama that do not fall under this topic. When friends break-up with their significant other or they just need to vent because of their overbearing mother, it's probably something that we should just suck up and listen to no matter how tedious.
However, even the generic stock drama that plagues every friendship can go on to become to something worthy of repulsion. For example, the friend who, after being dumped over a year ago, still comes to you sobbing and asking existential questions you can't answer; or the friend who loves to trash talk the same person over and over again: these would fall under the "unacceptable" category for me.
Another way to look at it is this: there is a point at which you can no longer provide the guidance and help that your friends need to make them better. Indeed, you start worrying that your advice is actually not helping them at all (assuming they take your advice into account). There is a point at which you start feeling like your friend's therapist and you start thinking that maybe they actually do need specialized help.
Part of why I decided to put this up on "Bored to Sobs" was because I've had a lot of friends in the past few months dealing with problems of this sort. Their friends were coming to them with the same problems that never seemed to get better. The friend I spoke to today regarding this issue is still friends with her troubling friend, which is very good. On the other hand, one girl I know cut off all contact with one of her best friends. To be sure, she had good reason to end the dynamic, but one does wonder if maybe things could have ended differently had there been more communication regarding limits and boundaries. It's really sad how these instances of drama can really grow into something worthy of ending an ultimately good relationship with a friend. I think the best way to alleviate this problem is to give our "problem" friends fair warning. We need to keep our friends on notice of how much we are willing to take before we might end up having to call it quits. Then, at least, if they don't change and still pull the same crap, it's not like you're abandoning them.
Another reason I put this up here is because I hate to see friends fall into this kind of trap. I think of friendship as being something very important, probably more so than most people. As a gay man, I've realized how important my close friends are to me, especially in a community where the legal constraints of marriage do not apply and men can run off without even having to say goodbye. I've read articles on how platonic relationships are so much more important in the gay community specifically for that reason. Heterosexuals, upon getting married, often find their previous platonic relationships fizzling out. I think this is for two reasons: 1) because when you get married and start having children you have less and less social time and 2) because the marital contract (or whatever word one might use to describe the binding effect) essentially makes friendships obsolete. You have your husband or wife legally bound to you. They are always there to help you with your problems. In fact, they really have to help you. Realistically, they probably become the most important and trusted counselor of all, replacing the need for good advice-giving friends. Although gay rights are in a wonderful stage of transition, most of the gay community still does not have access to that legally-binding commitment. Even if a homosexual couple happens to live in a state granting recognition of their union, they still don't receive recognition on the federal level. Thus, gay men and women tend to take their friendships more seriously, especially with other gay men and women.
As an aside, I am not necessarily saying that the heterosexual's loss of friendship after marriage is a negative or even that the homosexual's strong friendships are a positive. I think there are both negative and positive consequences to both. However, I will say that close friendships are difficult to come by, and even difficult to maintain as life goes on. I try very hard to keep very open communication with my friends specifically to avoid the above mentioned problems. Letting them know when they are crossing a line and subjecting you to unendurable torture is only just the start.
Good night.
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