The Big, Pink, Limp-Wristed, Flaming Elephant in the Room: Is it as Easy to Spot as People Think?

Part I:

The last few years have been interesting to say the least. In law school, I came across a lot of wonderful people, professors, students, lunch ladies, security guards, all of whom were incredibly kind and lovely. However, my life in a conservative, Catholic law school introduced me to a new group of people, a group whose members I rarely came across before. This group is the band of closeted homosexual men that exists in every conservative, homosexually unsympathetic culture. What was even more strange was the reaction I received from my friends after I confided my stories in them. Some of them were cautious about believing my assertions that these men were actually gay. Ultimately, I've realized that most heterosexual people are not in a proper place to discern whether a man or woman might be actually hiding in the closet.

Before I delve into discussion on this topic, I do want to inform anyone who reads this that I am a major proponent of all people being able to keep their private lives behind closed doors. I also think everyone has an unfettered right to control their image in the public sphere. I do believe that a person's sexuality is their business and their business alone. With that said, I do have difficulties, however, supporting the gay man or woman who chooses to hide their sexuality. This difficulty is augmented when they do so to the detriment of other people involved in their lives, i.e. a heterosexual spouse.

The reason I chose to write about this topic at this time was because I had a rather awkward encounter with a male acquaintance a few days ago. I was out with some friends at a bar. One of them was this acquaintance. I remember having a secluded casual conversation with him away from my friends' ears. I wont go into great detail about the conversation (we were talking about movies or something of that nature), but there was a point at which I noticed the conversation steering in a very unexpected direction. I began to get the impression that he was coming on to me. The things that were coming out of this guy's mouth, specifically directed at me, were incredibly shocking and made me blush out of discomfort. What made me all the more appalled was that I knew this gentleman was married to a woman whom I have met and whose company I've enjoyed.

Needless to say, I was pretty sure this guy was trying to initiate some super-platonic encounter with me. The next day, I phoned one of my close friends who was there, told her about the situation, and asked her opinion. Her first comment was she was certain he wasn't gay because he had a wife. She also said she had never witnessed any behavior from him that would remotely constitute as "gay." It was apparent that she didn't believe me, or at the very least thought my opinion was suspect.

My conversation with her got me thinking. What was it that was preventing my friend from believing my account of this story? I will admit, it's not like this guy was getting so physically aggressive that observers would have no choice but to believe he was gay. However, I know what I heard from this guy and, although I would never say that our encounter makes him a homosexual as a matter of fact, his tone and words were highly suspect. It then hit me, my friend does not recognize the subtle signals that I see as being indicative of a homosexual orientation.

Now, my friend is a very liberal, open-minded, accepting person. She has many gay male friends and she loves them dearly. She is not one of those people who thinks all homosexual men think every other man is gay. However, she, like the vast majority of the heterosexual American population, has very limited experience in the homosexual arena. The gay men she knows are out and proud, they are the stereotypical gay men you see in the media. There is no questioning their sexuality because they announce it in every possible way. To her, gay men exist in only limited form. Unless a guy is either open about his sexuality, or is running around in a pink polo with bleached hair kissing men, a man is not gay.

What I found really interesting while talking to my friend was that she gave absolutely no deference to my experience as a gay man that, quite frankly, includes dealing with a lot of closeted gay men. Although she agreed that what he said was weird, she couldn't fathom it being said in a homosexually provocative context. She said he must have been joking. No doubt she could be right, but what I found strange is that she had no problem immediately denouncing my opinion as incorrect. There was never a moment where she thought the guy could actually be a closeted homosexual.

This experience with my friend was not the first of this sort. As most people who know me know, I had several suspicious encounters with several of my male law school classmates throughout my time in school. Of course I shared these strange interactions with my close friends. Some of those people with whom I spoke often doubted my ability to discern gay from straight. I am sure many of them did not believe the strange stories I told. What made my stories all the less convincing was that all of these men were allegedly heterosexual and two of them were married to women.

Now, I don't actually think my friends ever really disbelieved my accounts of these situations. I think most of them doubt my interpretations of these events as circumstantial proof that those men were gay. I know my friend does not think I am lying about what this guy said to me the other night, nor do I think my law school friends think the situations I described to them were fabricated. When it comes down to it, they do not believe closeted men really exist, at least not at the level these men would have to be.

Now obviously, people know closeted homosexual men and women exist. It's just that they don't believe anyone they know could be that way. I think the heterosexual population has prematurely lulled itself into thinking the vast majority of the American population is ok with men and women being gay. For a lot of these people, they do not believe men and women are closeted because they see no real reason for such secrecy anymore. To them, the world is a friendly, accepting place that loves gay men and women. States are slowly but surely allowing gay men and women to marry, the media is depicting openly gay men and women both in television shows and in the news, and gay men and women are everywhere in almost all areas of American society. Why on earth would a gay person be closeted nowadays?

This is the type of logic that goes on inside the doubtful heterosexual's head. I think this logic is coupled with America's well-known stereotypes of gay men and women. A man or woman cannot be labeled as gay unless they act as such. Indeed, my friend from the other night could not believe what I was saying simply because she's never seen that guy act like a gay man. My friends from law school could not believe our good male friend, married to an empirically beautiful woman, was trying to kiss me because he was gay. The only gay men who are closeted are those gay men who are married, yet are effeminate in gesture, dress, and tone. The archetypal manly man could never be gay.

Gay men and women are in a different place than open-minded, accepting heterosexual people. As people attracted to the opposite gender, heterosexuals do not as easily see the safe haven that the closet can provide. Most of them have never had to decide whether to keep their heterosexuality a secret. I would believe that most out gay men and women have, at some point before coming out, debated whether to keep their sexuality hidden. I certainly did and most of my gay friends did as well. Gay men and women understand and realize that a large part of their community is still not open about their sexuality. It's because we understand why people would remain in the closet. Most of us debated doing so.

Now obviously, most out gay men and women would never rethink their decision to be openly gay. Being out of the closet is a much better life for sure. However, that doesn't mean the alternative has no benefits. These benefits the closet provides make the secret homosexual a very real person to us. For people whose homosexuality poses an actual threat to their safety, reputation, or finances, hiding ones sexuality by whatever means available seems a viable and, often, necessary option.

I think that distinction is very important. Heterosexuals simply do not realize that there are men and women out there that endure great fear from the thought of their sexual identities becoming known. These men and women do not necessarily exhibit the stereotypical characteristics in gay culture. Indeed, it's part of being closeted. When my friend told me she couldn't believe her friend was gay because he's never acted gay and he was married, I told her she wouldn't ever see him act that way. The only thing that is gay about him is the fact that he comes on to other men. Unfortunately for him, that is the only necessary component. The only reason why I picked up on it is because of the things he was doing to me. Heterosexual people assume that the closeted homosexual is easy to spot. I used to think the same thing. However, my past experiences in law school and elsewhere have made me realize that it's not as easy as one would think. Indeed, it is often undetectable.